Breaking the Barrier Between a Superficial and a Real Relationship
I just got home after an afternoon/evening of visiting with extended family for Christmas. At these occasions, I tend to stay in my corner, do my own thing, gravitate toward my immediate family, try not to ask too many questions, and ride the wave until it’s time to head home. Sound familiar?
I’m not saying that it’s not great to catch up with uncles, aunts, or cousins that you haven’t seen in a while (because it is), but I hope I’m not alone in saying that large family gatherings can be awkward at times. It’s like this constant charade we play each year where the same surface-level greetings are made, the same questions are asked, and the same level of minute-countdown-ing is shared. I usually think that it is my family that is to blame — after all, no one seems to be letting their true selves show. Today I tried to break the cycle by changing my behavior instead of focusing so much on others’. It worked wonders.
I made a concerted effort to open myself up to my family today and show a side of me that they don’t normally see: my genuine self. No superficial conversations, no awkward hugging or hand-shaking, no cookie-cutter interactions. I simply wanted to feel comfortable in front of my own family.
As I did this, as I’m sure you could surmise, my family started to open up to me as well. I felt that I was getting the real them as I was giving the real me. This proved to strengthen my connection with those that I love and increase the overall enjoyment of our gathering. It felt less like “my side of the family” and “your side of the family” and more like “our family”.
This taught me an important lesson about cultivating deep connections with others: authenticity begets authenticity. The more genuine we are with others, the more we invite others to be genuine with us, which, in turn, compels us to be even more genuine, thus perpetuating the process.
As we focus on what we can control (which is only ourselves), we blame and accuse others less. Doing this allows us to love others more fully. This is because we no longer see ourselves as a victim, which is the driving force behind blame and accusation, and them as a victimizer, which is what prevents us from being authentic in the first place.
So, when it comes to breaking the barrier between a superficial and a real relationship, let’s make the first step in courageously opening up to those around us. And whether or not authenticity is reciprocated, we will be able to say that we lived true to ourselves and gain peace therein.
